Monday, March 25, 2013

Dead Zone

Today I feel like the psycho-physiological version of one of those zones in the ocean where there's not enough oxygen to support life.  Since I awoke my right shoulder has felt like someone spent the night grinding it under the heel of their boot.  I injured it playing Wii Boxing with my 5 year old daughter,  and it's been uncomfortable for nearly a month.  So, that's not calculated to give one a feeling of joie de vivre, nor does it fill me with anticipation of the grand possibilities of life. 

Sometimes on a cold and foggy morning like this morning, even though I'm tired and having trouble finding my rhythm on a Monday morning, there's a weird spark in there somewhere that gets me started and has me looking forward to the day. 

Not today.  All I want is to have about an hour of massage on my shoulder and a morning of reading and sipping coffee.  I want to walk about four miles around 11AM, then repair somewhere for lunch and, and, uh . . . I don't know.  Read some more, I guess.  I'm not really feeling tired in the conventional sense of not enough sleep.  It's more emotional than that.  I am tired on a different level.  Or I'm frustrated.  Or both. 

Being quite aware of my body and what it can do, I also am very aware of what it can't do.  I've had various injuries over the years that have nagged, and I suppose that as I get older and the list of those things grows a little longer, I mostly grown more phlegmatic about each one, but I'm not reacting that way with this shoulder problem.   It's deeply frustrating.  I have a knee that has no ACL remaining, and less than half the cartiledge, but that's not a problem day to day.  I've lived with that for 35 years.  This is different.  This seems more debilitating and comes at a time when I am trying to keep my strength up as Father Time tries to tear it down.  It's only been going on for a month, but it feels intractable and eternal, even though I know it isn't either one. 

I guess I just have to go through it for a while.  Aging sucks sometimes, but I guess the alternative is worse.  Perhaps in a few days a more upbeat post will appear in this space.  Perhaps it doesn't freakin' matter anyway, because I'm tired and I don't care.  Quee sarah sarah. 

"Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren't no Ten Commandments an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin', and it's there that I would be—
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, looking lazy at the sea."



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