Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Just Cut it Loose

Just put it in the stream, like a dried oak leaf.  Set it gently there and let it ride the current . . . away from you in its own good time, or back toward you if it wishes to stay.  . 

It came from a tree that stood tall and produced vast quantities of acorns.  Now the tree is older, and its acorns are dropping thinly upon the ground.  It's branches no longer heavy with leaves in ways that beggar belief. 

Stop trying.  There's nothing to be done.  Mother Nature and Father Time have taken over.  All you can do is enjoy the shade in the summer and admire the strength when the storms blow through.  Maybe if fortune smiles, it'll grow new leaves.  It's roots are deep and that's your hope.  They are deeper than even you realize.  Let the roots do their job.  Yes, it's frustrating that you can't see them, but they are well down there drawing sustenance from the earth.  Trust.  Even when doubt arises, trust. 



 

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

My Muse

 About a year ago I was in the midst of a profound and productive creative streak.  I had stories popping into my mind just about daily.  It was as though something would tap my mind's shoulder and say, "Hey man.  Check this out.  Whaddya think?" I would reply, "Ohyeah, Yeaahhhh.  Nice!  We'll go with that.  That will work."

It was a glorious time.  I felt as though I was improving as storyteller.  I worked hard at the very hard task of becoming more subtle in revealing a plot; more able to develop an exchange between characters and have it weave itself into the flow.  I was actually, by small bits here and there, improving.  Then I lost my muse.  

My muse was there with me, inside me, inspiring me, giving energy and warmth, and love, then wasn't.  It took until midsummer to realize this.  Even then I blamed it only on COVD-19.  However, I'd been unable to convince myself that there wasn't more to it.  Something had changed. It was all a feeling, and one must guard against emotions taking the place of reality.  Even now I must be ready to admit I am wrong.  In fact, I hope am wrong. 

One day I felt the absence of said Muse most profoundly.  It was like waking up and realizing that your ears really are missing.   You've been staring in the mirror for a couple of months trying to figure out what was different, then one day, POW!  Holy shit!  My ears!  It's my ears!  What the fuck happened to my ears, Man?!

Now there is no flow.  Now there is empty space where ideas once rolled in like breakers on the Central Coast; endless and comforting, and every seventh one a simply grand idea that had me admiring my own work far too much.  

Every now and then I see the Muse, and the Muse sends love and a brief moment of inspiration before vanishing again.  At times I have called out to no avail.  I won't any longer.  There's no point.  I assign no purpose to this but the absence is real.  Of that there is simply no doubt. 

 




Saturday, January 11, 2020

64 years of....

64 years comes to end tomorrow in The Land South of 90.  The Golden Mother in Law will mo e north and spend her remaining years on the western edge of a broad valley, nestled up against a stretch of coastal hills.  It took my brother and I two weeks to move our mother out of a 25x25 studio she had lived in for 18 years.  Thinking about emptying this rambling five bedroom house after well over half a century makes me want to start shooting up.
Deep breaths, old boy.  Deep breaths.

Monday, July 01, 2019

High Coo!

Hot sun though shady
Softness moving in my lap
Frenzy in my brain

Fingers meet, entwine
Lips brush my earlobe, whisper
Blood rushing, thrilled

Torso to torso
Plunging beings lose control
Spiraling away

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Breathe

Lately we've had a heat wave, and the campus is strangely quiet.  Maybe it's the approach of finals, but no one seems to be out, even at Noon.  The streets are not crowded, Sproul Plaza is not crowded, and there doesn't seem to be much traffic either.  It's almost as though the old place is tired and sagging.  Or maybe that's just me, and I'm projecting.

As I wandered back from the taqueria at the end of the Noon Hour I was struck by the torpor.  Telegraph was thinly peopled south of Channing Way.  Here and there a grimy, gray green street person mooched along; a blotchy-looking dog quickly sniffed it's way up the gutter, avoiding the sidewalk and looking sidelong at passersby.

I started to imagine I was in some broken down burg somewhere in the Sonora Desert.  I felt the electric twang of the heat, and smelled the dry earth smell.  I walked east, then north, coming to the edge of town and a small hill, topped by an abandoned shack with a windmill sitting next to it, completely still.  I climbed the hill and sat on the stoop of the shack in the foot and a half of shade it provided on the windless day.  The wood was dark gray and pitted from sand storms.  A small sand colored iguana disappeared in between slats in the wall.  Black and copper rocks lay strewn around the area in front of me, and in the distance stands of saguaro and yucca broke up the emptiness.  Grey blue mountains swam in the distance behind the heat waves.

Land that had once been roamed by the Apache now was the home of no one in particular; a few ranchers, and a few survivalists, and still even a few Apache.  Occasionally, the husk of an ancient miner in a slouch hat would wander into town and sit down in the dark of the tavern for a few cold beers and a sandwich.  He would nod hello but offer no words.  Had he forgotten how, or did he just not want to bother anymore?  No one could ever remember where his claim was, and no one alive seemed to know his name.  He'd rise up from his bar stool, pay his bill, croak his thanks, and shuffle out, looking yonder from under the brim of his hat as he headed back to wherever he came from. 

For sheer impenetrable quiet, the desert on a still day is unmatched.  If you sit and stare at it long enough, and say nothing to break the silence, strange things begin to happen.  I sat and stared and began to see the earth breathing.  As I gazed out across the plain, it rose and fell with perfect, peaceful regularity.  With every breath the earth relaxed under the Noon day sun.  I leaned back against the closed door of the shack and the hard wood seemed to give a little and the desert whispered in my ear that it was time for a nap.  There's no job to go to, no need to be anywhere.  You've worked long and hard and life is stressful.  Stay right here and breathe with me.  You won't regret it.  No one ever does.  Breathe.  Breathe.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

I Keep on Going

I've turned a corner, crossed a bridge, and left a thing behind; pick the platitude that works for you.  I had a week of stay-cation last summer during which we could not travel because Dr. Professor Wife's professional schedule.  I thought about saving the vacation time and returning to work, but I still needed time off.  I badly needed whatever tiny amount of rejuvenation I could get.

I had visions of lying in a pod surrounded by a soft blue light with no discernible origin while my cells were individually revitalized and my blood replaced like some kind of upscale high tech version of Keith Richards.  I settled for sipping coffee and watching my dogs sniff around the garden in back.  I read a lot of things printed on paper, swam when I wanted, walked around San Francisco; in essence enjoyed myself immensely.  I was fully rejuvenated.

The trouble was, and still is a little, that I could not snap back in at work.  I had so effectively removed myself from it that I could not fully engage with anything there.  This went on for nearly two months, and it was only just after Halloween that I finally was able to fully focus on any given task other than chatting with students (which is what I do best anyway).

I have retirement on the brain.  I want to launch into the world after the Big U and do whatever seizes my interest and refuses to let go.  I want, I want, I want . . . but I can't yet.  I need three more years of dealing with that badly run clip joint before I can sneak away during a summer when no one is around.

I am fully convinced that there is no going back.  I will never again be deeply interested in the details of administering the cogs and switches of high end graduate education.  I'll keep up in order to make sure I can deal with the changes, but only enough for that.  My interest in it is on impulse power.  I first noticed this change back when I wrote that my main reaction to people coming by for help was "What the fuck do YOU want?" instead of "How can I help you?"  It hasn't changed much.  I used to welcome visitors and now I just want a nice quiet day with minimal interruption.  That's a bad sign for a career people person. 

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Bloated Nazi Turd

Hair longs to escape
Red face bloats with booze and hate
This man runs for Prez